“Search me, O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life. ” Psalm 139:23-24
Last night during the CG P&P night, I came into the room hesitant and standoffish to the body and to God. I simply came to support Jonathan’s 1st talk on worship as his wife but wasn’t sure whether I wanted to participate. There was no reason or motivation in me to feel this way other than just support the husband and go home.
Once JP’s talk was over, they invited the folks to use the room and pray. I felt that I wanted to talk to God. I did. It felt so long since I had one of those intimate moments with God through times of prayer. So I took the last section in the room by the cry room and knelt before God.
I didn’t know where to start. If I needed to tell something to God I would casually and comfortably but the question posed to us was, “Is there anything that is getting in the way of your worship to God? Is there anything you hold higher than God in your worship?”
How…Where do I even begin in prayer? All I could think of was praying Psalm 139:23-24.
“God would you search my heart. Know me and see if there is anything offensive towards you in me. Reveal it to me God. Show me so I may confess and repent of it.”
I was hunched over without any expectation to hear from God..maybe it was because I wasn’t practicing prayer on a regular basis or been reading the Word sincerely. I realized I was wrong.
As I rose to sit up, my head could see a little bit above chairs and from there I could see the praise team playing their instruments. I also saw JP and made eye contact with him. I assumed he didn’t realize that I was there in the back kneeling but he quickly started praying..perhaps for me?
As I started back down to my crouching position, this thought just appeared in my head. A statement:
“You are more focused on getting loved from JP than from me.”
“You are more satisfied in JP’s love than the love I have for you.”
I was caught red-handed. I sat there amazed, guilty as charged and taken aback. I would have NEVER guessed that. No matter how hard I would search my heart, I don’t think I would have come to a conclusion as that. I didn’t dare refute it.
God was absolutely right. He knew my sins better than I did. I was so caught up in receiving love from JP that any other love, including God’s seems insufficient for me. I started rewinding the past few weeks and all these whining conversations with God came to mind. The ones where I complained why I didn’t feel loved by JP.
That’s a new goal for me.: To be satisfied in God’s love….so that when other loves fail me. I won’t be shaken.