I just got back from a reconciliation dinner and movie with the husband. I wore this new H&M shirt that I got over the weekend.
As I was changing out of this shirt, I flipped it inside out and saw the red threading on the back. It looked very familiar.
I had a flashback to my mom. Odd I know. But got 30 seconds I stared at the inside of this shirt. Felt nauseous.
I have a phobia: Trypophobia.
I would feel sick in the stomach and sometimes break a little sweat if a pattern repeated itself over and over. I hate ivy leaves/vines that completely cover the highway sound walls. Mosaic art can get to me and beehives too.
I never understood why or where it came from but this H&M shirt connected my phobia to my mom’s last days.
Long story short, my mom had a stroke at her alterations shop and she somehow brought me home that same day. My memory might not be accurate in the sequence but..she was bed ridden for a few days but functioned for a few as well. I remember I came to check up on her and I saw that her palms were covered with veins. Skin tones veins. Like worms were crawling under her skin. I’ve never seen anything like that for all the 8 years I had been alive.
Its like these bodybuilders’ arms but every vein was squiggly. She wore white gloves to hide the grotesque pattern. She passed away not too long after that. I have these underlying scars in me like if I had known to dial 911 maybe she would be still alive today. To recall how she collapsed at the store the day she had her stroke, drove us home from Castro Valley to Oakland and stayed in bed but also got up to function for a few days…blows my mind but leaves some remnants of guilt.
When I saw the inside of this shirt it looked exactly like the pattern of my mom’s palm. Except it wasn’t red thread.
This pattern makes me sick. Makes me freeze up a bit and I feel queasy. I haven’t seen a pattern as similar to my mom’s palm until tonight. It struck me.. I associate my trypophobia from the patterns I saw on my mom’s palms. Makes sense now. Tonight. Every time I see those repeating patterns, I’ve wanted to take a stick or a thin piece of wood to scrape the pattern to a smooth surface. If I could for that to my mom’s palms..I would.
Sure.. I find myself tearing up thinking about the last days I had with my mom. Every moment I had with her as a single mom or with my family growing up has slowly showed up in tears about 34 years later.
I blog this because this is a big deal for me to understand why I have Trypophobia. It also helps me understand how I felt at the time when I first saw it..scared… disgusted..freaked out..
This is JP.
Who would have guessed that a piece of clothing could have connected this together..