Month: September 2015

Green Light Green Light Green Light



I can’t believe it’s only been 2 days since our dinner with the Lee family. Last night was a pretty high energy “get stuff done” type of night. We’ve been working on getting the application finalized like finding our tax returns, getting documents ready to get notarized etc etc. Our 1st phone conference call with our social worker Ann, was scheduled for 10AM today.

As I walked to my car this morning I just kept asking God, “What should I ask God? Please fill our minds with wisdom and understanding of all the information that will be presented to us.” Even though my mind was focused this morning, as soon as I walked into the office it was chaotic. I came in and before I knew it, it was 9:53am.

Oh man! Get this document finalized.

9:58am. Double check the conference call line and access code.Quickly jotted it down on a post it note and notified the office that I’ll be away for an hour. I thought my heart was going to burst from nervousness. We were finally connected and I kept thinking,

“I can’t believe we’re having this phone call. I cannot believe this is actually happening”

Ann gave a brief outline of what to expect for our homestudy and what to expect after the homestudy. Sounded great. $2,900.00 …no big deal. 6 months to prepare the paperwork? Let’s do it. I was on cloud 9- Sold to the future of adoption. Never took notes this enthusiastically since….FIRST time I took notes this enthusiastically. Ann: “Any questions so far?”

JP: ” So we’re planning on moving to Minnesota in May. Will that cause any issues in our process to adopt?”

Ann: “Oh,  no you, you can’t adopt if you’re moving to Minnesota. Holt Korea doesn’t work with adoptions in non-branch states.”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard. “You can’t adopt.” ” You can’t adopt.” “YOU CAN’T ADOPT” It took me a few seconds to figure out what just happened. I could hear JP give a soft ” really…hmm” I mean what else could we say that to that? But on the website it was clear on Korea’s requirements that they would allow adoption in Holt Branch states which included CA as well as non-Holt branch states which listed MN. In their FAQ they even mentioned that Holt Korea would be open to allowing Korean-American couples to adopt in non-Holt branch states.

“Surely, this can’t be it. It can’t just end here.”

Ann encouraged us to stop the process here because if we paid the homestudy fees and moved to MN, our final report would not be valid because every state has different regulations. She didn’t want to have us just “absorb” the cost. And if Holt Korea won’t work with Minnesota then we might as well cancel our application and start fresh with an agency in Minnesota that works with Korea.

We asked Ann if she could contact Holt Korea and ask them if they would have any affiliated agencies in MN or if they would consider working with us because we are Korean-American. Bless her heart though, she offered to refund our application fee since we wouldn’t be able to proceed. I could care of the money. If anything I kinda wanted them to take it. I wanted to force it and say NO LET US ADOPT. PLEAAASE.

The plan was she would contact Korea and see if there were any options. In the meantime she asked that we talk about it over the weekend and let her know. And right there, the phone call that was suppose to take an hour, ended at 20 minutes.

JP quickly called me after the phone call and we spoke for the remaining hour just sharing our initial thoughts and emotions. JP’s initial thought was to change our plans and move earlier to MN–like THIS YEAR– to restart or continue the adoption process. I heard what he was sharing but my mind kept rejecting all ideas. I really couldn’t believe the door was closed on us that quickly. We barely got our feet wet. We haven’t even gotten matched. It’s not even finances that’s causing the issue.

“Lord, how could this be?!?!”

At this point, questions started forming.

  1. If JP doesn’t get into Bethlehem, then do we still want to move to MN?
  2. What if God is asking us to stay in California and receive the child first and then move?
  3. What if God is asking us to stay in California and go to China?

My mind was going 100mph. This straight path we were on suddenly got wiped clean of all dates and locations. It seemed like the one path we trusted was splitting into 10 different directions and asking us to choose one. Choose one. That seemed so impossible. By the time my 1 hour break ended, I asked JP if we could pray before I went back into the office. There was nothing more that I wanted at the time but to ask God to make things clear. To help our confusion and bring understanding to all of this. To help us to trust Him even when things don’t make sense. To let our emotions or lack of understanding lead us to a place of fear and doubt. Oh my heart was desperate for God.

I think I walked back into the office in a daze. Slowly and carefully. I sat at my desk and opened my email and to my surprise, Ann had replied back. It was 14 minutes ago.

What in the world just happened?

What in the world just happened?

Dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say or do. Another door opened. Another confirmation. Another prayer answered.

There was so much to process and share between the two of us. JP’s thoughts. My thoughts. What are God’s thoughts. We went out for dinner and our conversation was leading us to daydream about this boy coming home. How could we move this process along? The desire to adopt was growing bigger and bigger as each day passed. There were these comfortable silent moments where I knew we were just trying to process all that had happened today. What a roller coaster ride of emotions and what an awesome experience of seeing God open doors that we thought were closed.


Telling his BFF Theo “I”ll TTYL”

IMG_20150918_183738One of the most memorable things JP said that night,

“When I imagine my son running around in an open grass area, it makes me really happy.”

We have some options of moving earlier to MN or moving as scheduled. Praying and seeking God’s direction in all of this. Do we move now before the harsh winter hits and continue the adoption process? Do we wait until the winter passes and then move. It’s 6 months. Seems like such a painfully long period to wait and pass. I think one thing we both agreed upon is the fact that MN would be a better state to raise a child in than CA.

So now, we pray. We look into MN. Pray & watch is our theme for our marriage.


Broken and dazed

**I’m catching up my blogs and backtracking on my dates**

Tonight was one of those night that I will confidently say, “Haven’t cried like this in a while.”

It began in the morning as I read today’s Life Journal chapters. I found one portion that stuck out and convicted me.

Whether it is good or bad, we will obey the voice of the Lord our God to whom we are sending you, that it may be well with us when we obey the voice of the Lord our God.”
Jeremiah 42:6 ESV

Here’s how it spoke to me:

O: Johanan and Jezaniah approached Jeremiah asking him to inquire of God as to which way they should go and what they should do. Jeremiah agrees and promsies to not hold back any detail.

They then gave their oath and asked that God would be true and faithful witness to them if they do not act accordingly to what Jeremiah says. Whether it’s good or bad news they were ready to listen to what the LORD would say. However, once the news didn’t make sense to them. They rejected it and went their own way.

Reminded me of that verse that says, “Let your words be few before God.. Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” Reading this I thought, “foolishness.” It’s like these two guys shot themselves in the foot. Making promises to God that they weren’t able to keep. As if God can be appeased and not see the truth in our hearts. Their outcome was horrible. Going against their own word and on top of that encouraging God to be a faithful witness that He would do keep His word in what He tells these two. WOW. talk about laying the commitment down thick and trying to hold God to it. Currently on my mind are SO many things. Syria, BUILD CG, W2W, Prayer Ministry, REACH, CIC 2015, FFD, Discipleship, Church, Adoption—OMG the list goes on and honestly all I want to know is: “God what are YOU asking me to do?!? What are YOU asking me and JP to do? What are YOU asking me to do with BUILD? with Work? With all these You have entrusted me. I just want to know. But a part of me doubts—if He revealed it to me, would I follow wholeheartedly? Or would I pull off this foolishness because it wasn’t what I expected or wanted. I guess reading about Johanan and Jezaniah is good. I can learn from their mistakes and see where they made wrong choices. I hope and pray that I would not repeat. I honestly don’t know how my heart would react if GOd revealed and answered some of these prayers. I ask for a willing, faithful and obedient heart.

God, You stay true to your word. Nothing about you spells failure or not trustworthy. Thank you for showing me JOhanan and Jezaniah. God, your word says that it is better to trust in You than to trust in man.. to trust in You than to trust in princes. Lord, I come to you jut as I am asking you to make my heart one that will not repeat the actions and decisions that JOhanan and Jezaniah did. I want a heart that will not only say all that they said but a heart that will fearlessly do and follow through. Let my yes be yes and my no be no God. Help me build my credibility with You and with others. Father, BUILD CG, W2W, Prayer Ministry, REACH, CIC 2015, FFD, Adoption, Church, Discipleship, Syria..those are all swirling in my heart and mind. Please remove what is not meant to be there and bring stability in my thoughts. Clear what is not of You and only let remain what You want me to ponder and pray about. I ask for clarity Holy Spirit. I ask for peace that will keep me from swaying or being misled or misinformed. Please tune my heart to hear your voice O God. Only the voice of my shepherd. In Jesus Name I pray amen.

I’ve been bombarded with different thoughts. I could almost call them inspirations from God. Fresh new desires and ideas from God that I was being bombarded with. Reminds of me Psalm 37:4, how if we delight in Him, He will give me desires. With all these new desires, I felt cornered to pray and ask God,

“Are you asking me/us to do this, God?”

Even as I walked home, I felt cornered. Ever feel that? There is nothing else I could do to alleviate this burden other than pray. That was it. So I told JP I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to specifically ask him if we can be intentional as a married couple to pray together- actively and not individually- but together and ask God about some of these ideas and future plans we have. Well, the conversation did not go well. I was grateful that he acknowledged his shortcomings of not leading this marriage spiritually but somehow the conversation turned sour. Wickedly sour. I heard and understood the conversation as ” I don’t have the bandwidth to do some of the things you even mentioned to pray about—so there’s no need to pray about it.” Devastated. I could not process what I was hearing out of his mouth. It didn’t make sense at all.

I went to our room and just wept. I didn’t even need to sob. Tears just kept dropping onto my legs.

“All I want is to experience the Holy Spirit more in our marriage.”

But somehow even in my shock and difficulty understanding the whole conversation–I felt this overwhelming peace. I wasn’t bitter or angry. I felt so broken but I was determined to pray and fight against what I believe was not right and not of God. What a struggle it was. I knelt on the bed with a simple prayer,

“God, help me. I don’t understand why this is happening but I want to trust in You. Please help me to trust you. Only you can work in this marriage.”

Share tears-they’re good for you.

Monday night I played the third-wheeling wife again with JP & MJ’s bromance. We’ve been keeping up with 무한도전 (Infinity Challenge) recently with their Infinity Challenge Deliver Project. They took thousands of applications for the MHDJ team to deliver food to families around the world. Out of all the requests that came through, this story was by far the most emotional and tear-jerking story.

Her biological family was gathered and they mentioned how they wished to meet her adoptive parents. The door knocks..

They’re in for a beautiful and heart-warming surprised. MHDJ writers, I gotta give it to you guys.


Her dad. (Mom passed away a year ago) Man the tears were flowing hard.

“Dad, these are my biological parents.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” Her biological father couldn’t stop thanking him for raising their daughter.

"The day we brought Sunyoung home was the happiest day of my life."

“The day we brought Sunyoung home was the happiest day of my life.”

"Watching her grow up to a beautiful young woman has brought me such joy."

“Watching her grow up to a beautiful young woman has brought me such joy.”

Maybe one day.. One day this may all come true for us.

Can’t imagine a far more difficult task/responsibility than raising a child to maturity. My friends would say that being pregnant and giving birth is scary but then what…raising the child is far more scarier.