Broken and dazed

**I’m catching up my blogs and backtracking on my dates**

Tonight was one of those night that I will confidently say, “Haven’t cried like this in a while.”

It began in the morning as I read today’s Life Journal chapters. I found one portion that stuck out and convicted me.

Whether it is good or bad, we will obey the voice of the Lord our God to whom we are sending you, that it may be well with us when we obey the voice of the Lord our God.”
Jeremiah 42:6 ESV

Here’s how it spoke to me:

O: Johanan and Jezaniah approached Jeremiah asking him to inquire of God as to which way they should go and what they should do. Jeremiah agrees and promsies to not hold back any detail.

They then gave their oath and asked that God would be true and faithful witness to them if they do not act accordingly to what Jeremiah says. Whether it’s good or bad news they were ready to listen to what the LORD would say. However, once the news didn’t make sense to them. They rejected it and went their own way.

Reminded me of that verse that says, “Let your words be few before God.. Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” Reading this I thought, “foolishness.” It’s like these two guys shot themselves in the foot. Making promises to God that they weren’t able to keep. As if God can be appeased and not see the truth in our hearts. Their outcome was horrible. Going against their own word and on top of that encouraging God to be a faithful witness that He would do keep His word in what He tells these two. WOW. talk about laying the commitment down thick and trying to hold God to it. Currently on my mind are SO many things. Syria, BUILD CG, W2W, Prayer Ministry, REACH, CIC 2015, FFD, Discipleship, Church, Adoption—OMG the list goes on and honestly all I want to know is: “God what are YOU asking me to do?!? What are YOU asking me and JP to do? What are YOU asking me to do with BUILD? with Work? With all these You have entrusted me. I just want to know. But a part of me doubts—if He revealed it to me, would I follow wholeheartedly? Or would I pull off this foolishness because it wasn’t what I expected or wanted. I guess reading about Johanan and Jezaniah is good. I can learn from their mistakes and see where they made wrong choices. I hope and pray that I would not repeat. I honestly don’t know how my heart would react if GOd revealed and answered some of these prayers. I ask for a willing, faithful and obedient heart.

God, You stay true to your word. Nothing about you spells failure or not trustworthy. Thank you for showing me JOhanan and Jezaniah. God, your word says that it is better to trust in You than to trust in man.. to trust in You than to trust in princes. Lord, I come to you jut as I am asking you to make my heart one that will not repeat the actions and decisions that JOhanan and Jezaniah did. I want a heart that will not only say all that they said but a heart that will fearlessly do and follow through. Let my yes be yes and my no be no God. Help me build my credibility with You and with others. Father, BUILD CG, W2W, Prayer Ministry, REACH, CIC 2015, FFD, Adoption, Church, Discipleship, Syria..those are all swirling in my heart and mind. Please remove what is not meant to be there and bring stability in my thoughts. Clear what is not of You and only let remain what You want me to ponder and pray about. I ask for clarity Holy Spirit. I ask for peace that will keep me from swaying or being misled or misinformed. Please tune my heart to hear your voice O God. Only the voice of my shepherd. In Jesus Name I pray amen.

I’ve been bombarded with different thoughts. I could almost call them inspirations from God. Fresh new desires and ideas from God that I was being bombarded with. Reminds of me Psalm 37:4, how if we delight in Him, He will give me desires. With all these new desires, I felt cornered to pray and ask God,

“Are you asking me/us to do this, God?”

Even as I walked home, I felt cornered. Ever feel that? There is nothing else I could do to alleviate this burden other than pray. That was it. So I told JP I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to specifically ask him if we can be intentional as a married couple to pray together- actively and not individually- but together and ask God about some of these ideas and future plans we have. Well, the conversation did not go well. I was grateful that he acknowledged his shortcomings of not leading this marriage spiritually but somehow the conversation turned sour. Wickedly sour. I heard and understood the conversation as ” I don’t have the bandwidth to do some of the things you even mentioned to pray about—so there’s no need to pray about it.” Devastated. I could not process what I was hearing out of his mouth. It didn’t make sense at all.

I went to our room and just wept. I didn’t even need to sob. Tears just kept dropping onto my legs.

“All I want is to experience the Holy Spirit more in our marriage.”

But somehow even in my shock and difficulty understanding the whole conversation–I felt this overwhelming peace. I wasn’t bitter or angry. I felt so broken but I was determined to pray and fight against what I believe was not right and not of God. What a struggle it was. I knelt on the bed with a simple prayer,

“God, help me. I don’t understand why this is happening but I want to trust in You. Please help me to trust you. Only you can work in this marriage.”


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