Yesterday marked the day. Saturday, August 19th, 2017 was Wednesday, August 19th, two years ago.
South Bay’s 2nd Annual “Breathe” Event for Women. I went because I wanted to worship and hear what Lisa Chan had to say. What she shared to the ladies in the room was one of those talks that made you go “Hmm.” They gentle but piercing reminders for the heart. Usually those reminders linger for a few days but God had other plans and He propelled those reminders into faith stepping actions that has led JP and I to where we are now.
You can watch Lisa Chan’s talk. Start at 54:00
I sit here recalling the moment I asked JP to pray about Adoption. Can we just start by asking God, “God, are you asking us to adopt?” That conversation did not go so well. You can read briefly about that lovely situation here. As I type this I can visualize our old living room in Santa Clara. I hear the tone in my voice and JP’s voice. I cried a lot..no, I wept. Sobbed. Sitting on the bed with the lights off, I remember crying, tears falling on my calves -almost questioning my own convictions and feeling betrayed by God when I had so much confidence that this was a God seeking, God magnifying action to take–but it led to me a place of tears and brokenness.
I sit here, two years later feeling like I have circled back to that same place. I’m grateful to God that it is not because of JP this time. (whew)
God has graciously and amazingly provided a home for us to have, to live, to share and to raise this child in. (You can catch up on that God amazing journey here) JP and I both have wonderful jobs with wonderful benefits-benefits we didn’t have while we were in California.We have fun coworkers and a great culture. We’re not lavishing living the life up here in MN but we’re undeniably blessed. Richer than most in the entire world. We have 4 distinct seasons and lots of nature to be in awe of our God. Yet, we’re missing a huge chunk in our lives. People and not just people but friends. Friends provide that support, encouragement and feedback. Without it, you don’t get much.
I’ve probably never felt this alone in my entire 38 years of living life. Not even a bad breakup felt like this because I knew I had a group of folks that were a hop skip away or I was choosing to isolate to reflect but the moment I stepped out, they–whoever they are–were there. Soliciting help is hard out here. Maybe that Minnesotan Nice expires after the first handshake. You invite hoping to build something but you find yourself the only building. Where did meet me halfway go? FB isn’t the greatest communicator but at times that is all I have to work with. It just feels like you’re reaching and grasping for something with all your might but you turn up empty handed or with significantly less that what you hoped for. You go through a few of those at one or back to back, the heart becomes weary, losing hope and motivation.
It’s hard out here. I’m serving in areas that I can. Where I know I have experience and even a little contribution would help out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect that same act or amount of help to boomerang back. Sadly, I think my experience out here has squashed that desire-which can be a good thing. I can’t pinpoint what I’m exactly longing for but these seem to create a spark in my heart even if I’m just imagining it in my head:
Is there anything I can do to help? vs “Let me know how I/we can help.”
“What’s been your biggest challenge in adopting?” vs “How’s adoption coming along?”
Intentional. Genuine. There’s just enough hint of substance that the former question really wants to know versus the latter that comes across as “I’m asking the simple question b/c I want the simple answer.” I can’t give that simple answer. I would lie if I said it was “fine” or “good”. But the question doesn’t allow me to say much beyond that.
Last week, I had one of those awful rabbit trail moments with all my discouragement and disappointments. I entertained the thought of giving up with MN fundraisers. If trying to build relationships is this hard in my personal life, how am I going to connect with people I have never met to participate in this fundraiser? All sorts of negative and useless thoughts. Phooey. Then to top it off, the guilt I had towards Benaiah for even thinking about giving up in any part of this journey–sucked.
This is one part of MN and Adoption I didn’t expect. I thought the paperwork would drain me out but I guess being the extrovert/social/relational person in this family- it’s the relationships, lack of relationships, unfruitful relationship building process that has worn me down. I know this will pass. It’s a part of the journey God is doing work whether I enjoy it or not. It’s taking the “knows” to “believe”. From head to heart.
Sitting on the bed with the lights off, I remember crying, tears falling on my calves -almost questioning my own convictions and feeling betrayed by God when I had so much confidence that this was a God seeking, God magnifying action to take–but it led to me a place of tears and brokenness.
I sit here, two years later feeling like I have circled back to that same place.
My 2 year pulse check:
Making friends in Minnesota is hard. I’m looking for friends not friendliness. Having the same “introduction” conversation is like digging a new hole, in a new place-every..single..time. You invite, meet up and then that’s it. Other transplants in MN tell me they don’t get an invitation ever and it’s just them inviting and inviting. Then I’m searching for a new place to dig. I would like to go deeper and build upon it but I guess in due time…maybe next year I’ll find somebody to do that. I’m praying for God’s help to persevere these discouraging and disappointing moments. To find rest and comfort in Him alone.